Go for the Gold!

Some thoughts on the XXX Summer Olympics.
(Obviously the XXX portion comes after hours because I've yet to see anything innappropriate)

I know the runner from South Africa with no legs is a great story and all, but I think that headless gymnast should have got more press than she did.
 

Not coming soon to your local grocer ....


I think the reason she was so dissapointed in winning silver is because that's the same precious metal that her spoons and plates have always been made of. Honey, you're the second best IN THE WORLD. Smile..that means you were better in your sport than 6,973,738,432 other people. For crissakes. Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they've hit a triple.

Did you see this one?


So let me break it down for you...
1500 meter race for the gold medal
congested field
this runner trips
she then proceeds to have a tantrum on the track. (My house was divided on this one, but here's my take)...Get off the goddamned ground and finish the friggin' race. Don't roll around on the track and have a little hissy fit. What are you, a five year old who just let go of their ballon after Mommy said, "now sweetie, be sure to hold on to that balloon"?

I get it. You've been training for half of your life for this moment. Think of all those big macs and whoopie pies you could have had. You know what, you fell...you didn't get injured...get off the ground and finish the race. Hell, you probably could have caught that girl from Saudi Arabia wearing the full headress and robe that her country made her wear.
Jesse Owens is rolling over in his grave.
Quitter.



This guy ran the last 200 meters of his leg of the relay race with a broken leg, yes a broken leg. Apparently a bruised ego is harder to overcome than an appendage that used to be in one piece becoming two during a race.
Winner.




Speaking of winners and losers that Usain Bolt sure can run. It's almost like he's chasing something.



He's a winner, but that national anthem from Jamaica surely is not. It sounds like the theme song to a 1970's soap opera.

Awful , isn't it?
I always thought this was the Jamaican national anthem..

There's a lot of synchronized events I wasn't aware of...diving, swimming, and the lesser known synchronized badminton. The swimming was kind of cool..it's really amazing the timing of those manuevers while treading water. I was enjoying the diving as well, but found it curious why the guys would all have to go hang out together in the hot tub after each dive




Queer, isn't it?

The fencing ended up being quite exciting...



and I found myself watching water polo, although I don't know why. Well, maybe I do..




Oh, and apparently Michael Phelps has always been the fastest swimmer.




There's dozens of other highlights (and lowlights) that could be discussed, but I'm already looking ahead to 2016 in Rio. I hear the teams to beat are the Scooby Doobies, the Yogi Yahooeys, and the Really Rottens.




...fingers crossed for the Spice Girls at the closing ceremonies.

Don't want no short people around here

Spot on.

I totally agree. Short people cannot be trusted. How can they? They've got "tiny little hands and nasty little feet..grubby little fingers and dirty little minds". I'd be ok with no short people in the world. Let's say, oh, I don't know, anyone under five feet tall.

Kids get a pass. Until they're eighteen.

While we're at it, I'm not that fond of left handed people either. They need "special" scissors for crying out loud. There's an additional batters box for them in baseball. They need their own golf clubs. They complain about ball point pens because they are "pushing" the ball and not "pulling the ball. They have trouble with spiral (and three ring) notebooks. They're always banging elbows with me when I eat next to someone that's left handed. Can openers are a challenge for them. And on and on and on.
Here's a solution. Use your right hand. It's called right for a reason. Because it's the "right way" to do things.

Stop being such babies.



Don't need no left handers around here.

While we're at it, what good do quiet people serve? They never speak up, unless it's to say "I'm not shy, I'm quiet". What kind of society would we have if everyone was quiet? The problem with quiet people is that they think everyone else should be quiet. All the time. I'm all for not talking during movies, soft voices in libraries, and all the other times when being quiet is correct. But there's no need for those people that hang the friendly signs outside the cubes that they work in that say things likes "Shhh, be considerate of others" or "Please remember there are people working here" or some other blatantly hostile messages that are disguised as gentleness.




They seriously don't think that actually causes people to pause in front of their office cube just to purposely have a conversation? It's practically an invitation to stop and talk.

I've often found myself conveniently dropping my cup of coffee outside one of these cubes just so I can shout " Damn, I just dropped my coffee again!" at the top of my lungs.

We know you're working...we're all working. Stop being so passively aggressive.

Don't need no quiet people around here.

Then there's all those health nuts. I get it, be healthy, live a long life. Why should you be able to live a longer life than someone that chooses not to be healthy? You think you're special? Well, you're not. I get it...you ran three miles in the rain before going to bed. Now wipe your feet and get me a beer.


Don't need no healthy people around here.

And how about everyone that needs to "be green" or "go green" or whatever the latest fad is.
I find that discriminitory to all the other colors, and I'm sure you do to.

You paint the town red...not green


You get punched in the arm and it turns black and blue...not green and green.




A coward is yellow....not green



when you (not me) drink too much you blackout...not greenout





Don't need no green people around here.

There.
That should eliminate enough folks.
Now we won't have to stand in line so long to get that chicken sandwich we've been craving.

Peace out.
Love you all...even those that aren't as good as me.

written with tongue firmly in cheek

Vera, Chuck, and Dave

C'mon, you know Vera, Chuck, and Dave...don't you?
They're the grandchildren on your knee from "When I'm 64"
Oh, and if you remember, it was actually "Chook" and not "Chuck"

Pretty talented kid, ain't she?

To set the scene...it's an overcast Sunday morning as I start this road to nowhere post. Cup of coffee to my left, old portable radio at my feet playing the American top 40 from this week in 1974, lovely wife still snoozing, and youngest daughter at her 23rd sleepover of the Summer.

Just me, Casey Kasem and the cat. This has rambling post written all over it...

Wait a minute, that's not Casey Kasem.

I can hear the foghorns from three different lighthouses outside...

"That's a joke, I say that's a joke son" - said as Foghorn Leghorn would.

Actually these are the culprits..

  

I think I hear a cowbell out there too.

What a cow is doing in the Atlantic Ocean, I do not know.

...just heard "Keep on Smiling" from Wet Willie (number 19!). Now that's a blast from the past.

I've missed a few gems too..

Billy Don't Be a Hero...now that's a 70's pop classic. Doesn't sound the same when not listened to a radio that looks like this though.

or this...

or even this...

Yes, I admit, I owned each of those as a kid. That one in the middle was actually a wrist radio. Unfortunately it weighed about five pounds. Whenever I wore it my bike would always pull to the left.

Reception was horrible on these...and I believe they only had AM reception (you kids might have to google that reference), but it was perfect for that era. The Night Chicago Died (number 14!) never sounded better than when heard on one of these relics. Which is different than sounding good, of course.

Oh Jesus...Rock the Boat (number 8!)

Brings me back to the Plymouth Volare wagon

That's how we rolled back then. Appreciate the faux wood paneling. Classy.

Oh my...Rock n Roll Heaven - The Righteous Brothers (number 3!)

and I was going to just comment about what was so righteous about these "brothers", but they sure do look righteous here.

"If you believe in forever, then life is just a one night stand"

That's heavy man.

According to the lyrics the hell of a band consisted of

Jimi Hendrix

Janis Joplin

Jim Morrison

Otis Redding

Jim Croce

and Bobby Darin.

so who played drums?

and why wasn't Mama Cass in the band?

Hey number 1!

Annie's Song.

I'm down with that.

Pleasant little tune.

This is when John Denver was everywhere, every talk show...variety show...heavy radio rotation. Seems like it wasn't until he started to hang around with God that he started to lose his luster.

Coffee's getting cold and I gots to get in the shower.

That was some decent time I spent with Casey

..and remember

Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

Peace and love

Why must you mock me so?

I'm speaking of music...and where it can take you

The Little River Band.
They're following me.

Not exactly in the upper echelon of Rock Gods.
1. Beatles
2. Stones
3. Little River Band

...not quite.

I don't know anyone whose favorite band is LRB (using initials going forward).
I don't know anyone that owns a LRB album...or cassette..or CD..or has ever downloaded a song by them.

Yet they torment me.

The song that was playing on my alarm this morning was this....

Lady.

It had just started and I only heard the first couple of lines...
"Look around you, look up here
Take time to make time
Make time to be there"

Then I shut the alarm off, pulled myself out of bed and commenced to the bathroom (promise not to get graphic).




In my grogginess I found myself subconciously reaching for the rest of the lyrics to that song. 15 seconds later as I was standing there (don't make me paint the picture any more than that), and I caught myself running through the rest of the lyrics.

"A long time ago
I had a lady to love
She made me think of things
I never thought of
Now she's gone and I'm on my own
A love song has come into my mind
A love song
It was there all the time"

and then it really kicked in....or should I say I kicked in.

I thought to myself "Why"? "Why do I know these words"? "How can I know these words"? "Should I tell anyone I know these words"?...and more importantly,  "What day is it"? (Roughly in that order).

It dawned on me that this wasn't the only LRB song that I had recently heard.

There was "Lonesome Loser" the other day.
I won't bother with the lyrics because I know you're already singing them in your head.


Before that I came across "Reminiscing" and it got me to thinking that I do an awful lot of that.

A day or two before that was "Cool Change" and I even thought to myself, "That's not too bad"...and it wasn't. It's got all of these images about sailing (which I don't do) and overall extremely syrupy sweet lyrics, but I do like the use of the words "It's time for a cool change".

Not all that surprising, unfortunately.

Speaking of reminiscing, that brings me back to this...

Scene:
Outside on the lawn of a corporate office with about twenty other coworkers
Purpose:
"Team building exercise"
Mission:
Build trust by telling the group something about you that no one in the group knows.

So we go round the circle.
It gets to me.
I unleash this corker.

"I know every word to every song in the movie Grease"


Well, I did. I might still.

What I didn't mention was I also knew every word to every song on the White Album...or Joe's Garage....or Dark Side of the Moon..or , I don't know, even Pet Sounds.

But everyone probably already knew that.

...which leads me here...

This whole next paragraph is going to be in parentheses, because I feel my use of parentheses is sort of like my pulling you aside and whispering in your ear. At least that how I picture it.

(Speaking of songs from Grease has anyone caught the horrendous use of the Grease song "Summer Nights" to promote Nissan's new Summer Savings Event(!!!). I've never been a fan of pulling a rock or pop song into a commercial but the liberties taken with this one are atrocious. Actually the twisted lyrics only last about fifteen seconds, but it is the most excrutiatingly painful 15 seconds anyone can endure. It's the commercial equivalent to waterboarding. What's worse is the faux fun everyone appears to be having at the dealership. It's like an Osmond family variety show skit gone horribly wrong in so many ways. It makes me curse out loud. I threw the television off the roof of my house the last time it came on. It was worth it. The next time I see it I might do something really drastic.)

That being said here it is. I'll leave the room while it plays. I can't afford to stuff my computer into the garbage disposal.

Enjoy.

Jesus, even the frozen fame just made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Where was I?

Oh, what I was going to add to the brief conversation I had with myself standing in front of the toilet was the thought "How did I get here?"

Which briefly interupted my LRB joyfest in front of the toilet with Talking Heads "Once in a Lifetime"

I'll leave you with this...Turn this one up!

There's that's more like it.

Same as it ever was.

What, me worry?

Warning - anyone under thirty should just stop reading now....none of what follows will make any sense to you at all.

An old friend of mine


Raise your hand if you know who he is.

...and no, it's not the 43rd President of the United States, although I can see the confusion


I don't don't recall why, but I was in the midst of a comic book conversation the other day, (I know what you're thinking, "I'd really like to hang with that guy") and it got me to reminiscing...again.
It got me thinking about things like...

Prehistoric snap models
Here's an ad from a comic book



That's right. 1972's number one hobby kit. That would have put me in 2nd grade. I obviously wasn't ready for "real" models. By real I mean models with tiny pieces to lose, and took more than 20 minutes to build, and glue was involved, and actually challenged you. I wasn't having any of that. This "non handy" kids model was a perfect fit for me.

Oh, and don't forget the dinosaur angle. Dinosaurs were the bomb back in the pre Star Wars days.

If I remember correctly these models could be all grouped together because their bases interlocked, I think. I'm sure I didn't do that though. Too much commitment.

The sabre tooth tiger model was my favorite. I think it came with different sets of front legs so you could pose your tiger in whatever position was most pleasing to you.That and the one with the rhino looking beast (the rhinocersaurus?) that was trapped in the Tar Pits with a vulturish bird (the vulturdactyl?) looking on in anticipation. Please notice the torn off animal leg and the freshly ripped flesh. Solid.

 

I know what you're all thinking. You wish you knew me when I was eight years old.

Then there were the things that I don't think I actually ever owned, or possibly even that no one ever owned, but made you wonder...

For instance

Ten day free trial. In case you thought you wasted your dollar. I like the coffin shaped cut out that you had to fill out. Nice touch.

...and what kid didn't want their own monkey?



You couldn't even buy that suit he's wearing for $18.95. He fit in your hand for crying out loud. I wonder how they mailed it to you? Who even paid attention to the seahorse ad ? Kind of blase' compared to a suit wearing, palm sitting monkey, don't you think?

How about...


You're a Spaceman! Actually you're five minutes away from the emergency room. The earlier name of broken ankle appendages wasn't as catchy.

This pixilated image of the kid looks a lot like me at that age. A lot.


Funny, I don't remember that photo shoot...or ever holding a racoon. Could explain that episode of rabies that I vaguely remember being stricken with. Who knew that racoons were and always will be, America's favorite pet? I thought Sea Monkeys were.

I don't see any danger with this one, do you?


Do you think it actually went under water?...or did the fact that it was made out of cardboard nullify that option? I wonder if this has been decomissioned by now?

Then there were those ads where you would sell things like cards, or seeds, or drugs (just to see if you're paying attention) and you would win great prizes, or better yet, money.


How many kids opted out of this because they could only answer yes to three out of the four questions?

And I'll leave you with this..


Perhaps the fact that the Flash had Hostess fruit pies in his repertoire is what might have kept him from the upper echelon of super heroes
...but he was still my favorite.

One last thing. This was written whilst wearing x-ray specs. Those were the real McCoy.

So what were crunchberries anyway?

Random....

Anyone else remember these?





The box described them as imitation berries. I've been in the Produce business for a long time and I've never seen an imitation berry tree...or maybe it's a bush..or a vine. Although I'm sure I had a crunch berry or two back in the day, I've got no remembrance of what they tasted like...at all. Anyone still have a box in the back of their cupboard that's been overlooked since the 70's?...probably taste the same as they would have 40 years ago.

How about this?



The vitamin powered sugary cereal. How many Guiding Stars would Hannaford rate this with, negative 2? I'm sure I made my Mom buy this for the free matchbox car that came inside. Now that was a free toy.

One more...and since we're in the Q's...



 Apparently Quisp was a quazy energy cereal.
...and the cosmic clouder that you could send away for looks like a fart gun. Whatever that is. I think I possibly just invented it.

Here's a Quisp and Quake combo commercial from the seventies...

I think I liked them because the reminded me of the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons.
And not just those two...Boris Badenov and Natasha, oh, and don't forget Fearless Leader....Dudley Doo Right and Snidely Whiplash...Mr. Peabody and his boy Sherman...Fractured Fairy Tales. That's some high quality TV you're talking about there son.

Since we're talking about popcorn...random, remember.
I just popped some for my lovely wife and two things came to mind.

one
The container that we keep our popcorn in is an old jug of some brand of popcorn that I'm sure is no longer in production. The top of the container has an expiration date on it of Dec 26, 1998. That makes that container oh, about 14 years old. We must really like that container.

two
I had to melt some butter, so I have this awesome routine of cutting a few slices of stick butter (you can use any brand, but we prefer Kate's 100% pure butter - sea salted...ok watch the royalties pour in on that one), set the microwave for 1 minute...put it on 50% power, then hit go (can you tell I've done this a few times?). Go to the silverware drawer...no knives. Aha, the dishwasher just got done...pull out the knife you use ...and it was literally like a warm knife through butter, because, well, it was a warm knife cutting through butter. How many times does an analogy really apply in real life?

Here's a picture of my popcorn popper...



Looks like a consolation prize from the Let's Make a Deal

Monty Hall: "Alright Pete, do you want to take this wad of bills in my right hand or take a chance for what's under this cardboard box that Carol Merrill is holding ?"

The Audience: "Take the money...take the money...take the money!!!"

Pete: "I think I'll take my chance on the box".



Nobody can say I didn't rock the costume. I went as my 10th grade German teacher.



Getting late...let's go down one more road.

I've been to lot's of outdoor parties, picnics, cookouts etc, this Summer. While they've all been great, the best gathering is going to be the one when someone digs out that cobweb covered box of jarts from the back of the garage...and we play. To the death. That party will kick it.




Looks dangerous, don't they?

For those of you under, say, oh I don't know, maybe 30, let me explain jarts to you.



Picture heavily weighted metal projectiles with a fine steel point on them being tossed about twenty-five feet towards a plastic ring with a circumference of about 2 1/2 feet. Oh, and picture your opponent standing next to that plastic ring (or your team mate and your opponent if you were playing doubles, and you were always playing doubles, because EVERYONE wanted in on a game of jarts). One of the finer points of jarts was to be as nonchalant as possible as that death device was hurtling towards you. Many a sneaker was punctured or pair of shorts was ripped because of your refusal to give an inch as the jart was zeroing in on you. Jarts never ended well because of two things that were also part of every jarts game, and not neccesarily in this order...alcohol and testosterone. Most games of jarts (and by most I mean every) devolved into throwing your  missile intentionaly at your opponent, or even better, your team mate.

This is how you knew when the game was over




Good times my friends. Good times.

Anywho...I think I hear a box of Freakies cereal calling my name from somewhere behind that popcorn container from 1998. I hope there's still that free magnet inside the box.




Peace out.